AN HONEST CV
Dear Generic Online Publication
I am a new graduate with a mediocre talent for arranging words. I think I’d be just alright at fulfilling this role, because inevitably my enthusiasm will wear off after a week and then I will be zombie-like for the remainder of the time spent at your PR/NEWMEDIA/RAZZLEDAZZLE company. And when I say zombie-like, I am referring to old-school zombies that walk listlessly, not the Left For Dead ones that can climb stuff and run at you.
Although I’m pretty decent at stringing sentences together I lack any ability to come up with original ideas. I did once or twice and I’ve been riding off those pieces ever since.
I’m smart but I didn’t get all As at any point and I got a 2.1 in my degree. It was a few more marks off a 1st than I tell people because I’m inherently dishonest when it comes to my own ability.
I’m an all-rounder when it comes to stuff that doesn’t really matter. I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of 90s sitcoms that were aired on the short-lived TV channel ‘Trouble’.
I think your company will probably fail within the next few years. I really just want this job so I can buy a nice dress and make my Mum proud. I think your editorial team is terrible and you have the wrong ideas about everything. You will not be the next big thing but I would be mildly pleased about getting a wage from you until you have to file for bankruptcy.
I’m also a team player and have excellent interpersonal skills.
Thank you for considering my application.
Suzie
EXPERIENCE
Hamleys
Sales Assistant
London
Simon Amstell laughed at me with pity whilst I played jingle bells on the recorder at the top of the escalator.
Build A Bear Workshop
Bear Builder (Yep.)
Belfast
Didn’t murder any children while working at this crèche that masquerades as a shop.
AU Magazine
Leech
Belfast
Had a lovely time but you’ll not care because it happened in Ireland, which you equate with the Shire.
Don’t Panic
Intern
London
The word intern means I worked for free and therefore you do not care.
Notion
Intern
London
As above.
Muggle Tours & Alternative Promotions
Walking Tour Guide
London
Bellatrix is latin for ‘female warrior’. Increased my skill set dramatically.
Suzie McCracken 